check up on your boyfriend.....

if you're worried he might be a paedophile..........

the British Government is considering allowing single mothers to ask for information about the criminal record of new boyfriends to find out whether he is a sex offender if they are worried.

The Guardian make it clear that "Mothers would have to have grounds for suspicion and would face tough penalties if they abused the information, including by making it public. Establishing a relationship with a single mother is a common strategy used by predatory paedophiles to gain access to children. Such men represent about a fifth of child sex offenders; the rest are relatives or otherwise known to the victim."

This seems to me like such a terrible indictment of the state of our community - we cannot trust men with our children. Why is this? Why are men attracted to children as sexual playthings? Is the only way to deal with this issue to give responsiblity to women check up on men we have doubts about? There must be another way of reducing the chances of child sex abuse.

Along with violence against women, abuse of children is a symptom of the patriarchy - men need to feel powerful and to express their feelings as agression or sex. If they need to feel close to a person sexually some of them seem to need that person to be non-threatening - e.g. a child. 80% of child sex offenders are relatives or otherwise known to the child.

What leads to men needing to express themselves like this? The expectations on men to be "masculine" seem to damage men as much and in different ways to the expectations on women to be "feminine". And the impact of the damage is felt by all of us......we have got to the point where we need laws so that people feel they can keep their children safe.

We have to address the issue by educating men about their responsibilities towards the rest of society and supporting them to have non-sexual close relationships with children.

Mad dogs

I was at a "fun-day" last week at a local High School - my partner was paid to take some photos.
The event was a valiant effort on behalf of the parents support group at the school to being the community together and tackle some of the racism. I am sure it was done on a very small budget.

The fun-day was far from fun as far as I was concerned, however. The place itself is so depressing - a tall grey building dominated the site and the fence all around made it feel like a prison. We were on the field round the back. The "entertainment" ranged from a bucking bronco machine, to a very poor karoake style act called Alien effects - 2 men who dressed in various costumes (ET - who very few people at the event were old enough to recognise, Men In Black and so on) and sing along to a soundtrack.

There was also a full half hour demonstration to very loud rap music (the PA was crap) by the girls and boys from the Mad dogs kick-boxing team - which I really don't relate to at all - stylised, dancelike poses with fists raised and kicks to music. There were lots of splits, high jumps and back flips too. There were more boys than girls and they were not all white. But.....it felt like packaging an explosive in a shiny box with a pink bow - however you dress it up it's still about fighting. I watched the adults who run the team - they stood around with arms folded across the chests, looking, as I thought, rather smugly self-satisfied. I have to say the young people were highly skilled, very well co-ordinated and super athletic. It is obviously great exercise, they clearly enjoy it, they have won awards for their displays and it "keeps them off the streets", but I just don't like it. So that must be one of my prejudices shining through.

Anyway - regardless of the actual activity - I really hate the name. They are the "British" Mad Dogs and it just makes me think of the British Bull-dog stereotype mentality - all white male aggression. It also equates madness with violence and animals - that really offends me - it is so unhelpful - it just serves to confirm the belief that people who live with mental distress are violent and out of control, which is the opposite in truth - people with mental illness are more likely to be victims of abuse and violence than the average citizen and not perpetrators.

By the way - they are sponsored by a local sausage manufacturer - the connection with offal is a great irony!

step-parents

I saw this article in the guardian and it prompted me to think about my own situation. My partner has two children - boys aged 18 and 16. I have been a significant adult in their lives for about 10 years now.

I do not call my Mum's husband and my Dad's wife Step-parents. I have always called them by their names and described them as I have just done. I was 15 though, so I guess that made it clearer to me. My own experience has meant that I have been extra-sensitive to making sure that I am not trying to replace my partners children's mum. I have never been and would not want to be "step-Mum".

One phrase in the article really struck home - "The clarity of family life was absent," she wrote. "We did not know what we were aiming at." Me and my partner have often talked about having to make it up as we went along - not having a clear model to base things on - this has it's advantages. We have not been too constrained by stereotypes.

I dealt with my parents separation at the age of 15 (1986) and my partner's mother re-married when he was young (in the early 60's). We both have our own experience to base our situation on. I lived between houses until I left home to go to university and even then, still shared time between the two when I visited and stayed during holiday periods. That was often helpful - if I was finding it difficult in one place, I went to the other....

Interestingly, research shows - "a stepfamily in which there is limited yo-yoing between households has a better chance of success". I can see how that might be the case, but that means if both parents are alive, one misses out/ the child misses out on one parental relationship.

I have been really careful to not change the home environment too much when they were at their mum's so it was different when they came here. I know that I have not always managed to do this in practice. I hardly ever go into their bedroom - I always put their clean clothes on the landing for them to collect if I do the washing, for example.

In last few years when my partner's ex-wife was ill and his children lived here more of the time, the yo-yoing reduced, and that was harder to deal with in many ways - they missed their mum and we were all used to the routine. For the last few years they have lived with us full-time and our relationship has changed subtly - but this is also due to them now being young adults and quite independent. When they were younger I did more for them - mainly if their Dad was not available.

Their Mum died two years ago and we have all had adjustments to make as a result. My partner is their emotional and practical support and I am a back-up. The "housework" I do is my contribution to the shared household. I hope I'm a reasonable one - but I am not perfect.